A Fond Farewell

This is the last article I wrote for the Circuit Rider at Asbury.
I was adapting my Face book page the other night. Face book, for those less computer savvy, is a networking tool over the internet where you can include information about yourself and track friends. It is highly addictive. There is a section that asks my religious view; I used to have United Methodist. I have changed that section to read, Love covers a multitude.

As I step down in leadership from Asbury, I believe that is the lesson and example from you, the congregation, which I will hold closest to me. In all that we have lived through in the last years, I believe Asbury loves and loves well. Asbury has loved me from day one.

I have fond memories of laughter and nights on the fellowship hall floor with children gathered all around me. I spent my first summer at camps with a trio of young ladies who took more stuffed animals with them than Toys R Us owns. I have learned the fine art of leading a donkey through a parade, getting said donkey to cooperate is a different matter all together. I have held newborn babies, helped name them, and been present when they are baptized, and cried with others when the outcome was not as we hoped. I have held hands in prayer of thanksgiving, praise, consolation, desperation, and joy. I have seen love demonstrated in so many instances it is hard to name them all.

Personally, you have seen my oldest grow before your eyes and you have taken him in and adopted him as one of your own. You watched as I grew with Atticus and took care of me when the road became tough. You have upheld my family in prayer and encouraging support, you have shown us love. You have welcomed Mike to another way of thinking and learning about Christ. To think, we were both Lutheran before all this started.

I have to pause for a minute as I sniffle through this last part. My decision to release my leadership position here did not come without much thought and prayer. My Walk to Emmaus this past spring solidified the definition of love and grace for me in a way that I cannot describe. As I think about the phrase Love covers a multitude, I know that it applies to me as well. I came here not trained in ministry and found a community willing to embrace me. Through some of my own blunders, this same community buoyed me up and taught me some valuable lessons. I received forgiveness. This community knew I did not come from a typical background. I received grace. I learned from staff that taught me everything from boundaries, to trust and laughter, and unconditional love. I have laughed with these staff members, cried and hurt with them, and rejoiced in the work Christ has done in their lives. I am a better person for having worked with them. I am a better person for having served you, the Asbury community.

If I could leave one bit of advice it would be this: Love one another, please. People are coming through the doors with all sorts of woundedness. We are all wounded on some level. Love makes all the difference. It really does. What years of old tapes running through our heads can make us believe, love can erase. What years of memories can shape our vision, love can refine. Andrew Lloyd Weber said it quite well, “Love changes everything, how you live and how you die. Love will never, never let you be the same.”

I know that I will never be the same person I was walking through the doors 3 ½ years ago. I am indelibly changed. Love changed everything for me. Thank you Asbury, may love change you too. ~cal~

What Time is it?

In Ecclesiastes there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven. Ok, this is also an old 70's song, but I am thinking more of the Scripture that calls us into the different seasons of our lives. I am trying to discern what season I am called into now.
I have made the decision to leave my leadership in the church, to continue my education at the Seminary full time, and to spend time with family. The continued weight remains as to how to finance this. How do we provide for the family without running ourselves into massive debt? Is there a part time gig that I can do for the year that will provide financially, but also provide a sense of accomplishment and worth?
Do I need a sense of worth from a job? I have not taken one in recent years that requires me to simply be there. Recent doors that appeared open in the job sense have closed, that hurts. It is frustrating to not know how to help, but to walk forward in hopes that something will materialize. Maybe this is my time for faith.
I know every life has its seasons to withstand, I pray as I wrap up my summer here at Asbury, it can be a harvest and a preparation for the season to come. Please continue to pray for me as I discern the will and the path.

Commomplaces

I tell my sons every night before they go to bed that I love them and God wonderfully creates them. To my oldest son, Xavier, we talk often of the loving care that Jesus provides and the comfort that is in knowing God. We also talk of carrying Jesus with us wherever we go, so others can see that love in us. This happens almost every night as my young son, with big brown eyes, lies down on his bed and recaps the day. I admit there are moments when I wish our “talk time” would last a shorter amount of time. Thoughts of my own bed and relaxing take precedence as I try to focus on the needs of Xavier. This love lesson came back to me not so long ago.
I recently spent most of a week on the pediatric floor at Sanford hospital. Atticus, my 1-year-old son, was sick with Rotavirus and needed monitoring. There I was with a terrified baby, a sick one at that. My family was home, busy with other projects and jobs, and I was left there to care for my son, not worry, and to hold his arm as they inserted an IV. I was not feeling the love.
The first night in the hospital was rough as I had no place to sleep and Atticus tossed and turned continuously and ran a fever the whole time. With thoughts of our release time in my head, I realized we would not see a discharge from the hospital the next day, and I settled in for more waiting. In the early evening hours, my son, Xavier, burst into our room, smelling of sunshine and spring, smiling from ear-to-ear. I put on a brave smile and gave him a huge hug.
I ensured that both boys had adequate alone time with their parents. Mike had Atticus, and I sat with Xavier. With him on my lap, my ice cream Sunday in his hand, I looked again into those eyes so like my own, and told him I had missed him and I had thought of him all day. When I asked if he missed me, he gave me a chocolate syrup grin and shook his head no. Somewhat dismayed, I asked why he had not missed me. He cocked his tousled head and replied, “I carry you in my heart.” Astounded I asked what he meant, to which he replied that he never misses me because we are never apart. “I carry you in my heart just like Jesus, so I don’t ever miss you.”
Jesus is in the commonplaces.

With trepidation

Wow, it is only days from now that I will embark with 30 other people to serve the hurricane ravaged city of New Orleans. I will leave on Sat May 31 and will not return till weeee late on Sun. June 8. I know most of the people traveling, yet this is my first time traveling with a mission team, it is my first mission experience. I am scared.
I am not a traveled individual, I love culture and theatre, but have had no opportunity to span the globe in search of adventure. Too many reasons I rationalize have kept me from embracing those moments. After some waffling this spring, I decided that God was right about my venturing out of my comfort zones, God wants me to serve. So, serve I shall.
I am scared though. I do not usually step up to do things which I feel I may not do well. Sure, I can hammer, but well? That is another matter altogether. This calls me to leave behind my family (2 boys ages 1 and 4) a husband I have never not traveled with, and the comfort of my life as I know it. I don't like heat, I don't know how to travel, I have not partaken of ethnic food, I am not a seasoned traveler. I do not look forward to over 20 hours in a bus.
I do look forward to seeing a part of the United States I have never seen, I am excited about serving with people I truly appreciate for a cause that makes an impact. I look forward to learning about myself and others as we endeavor to build community and homes all at the same time.
It is humbling for me to admit that I am scared, I view myself as a pretty capable woman, and here I am venturing into foreign territory. Many questions swirl in my head....Will I be able to do the work? Will my teammates make fun of me if I drill a wrong hole? Will I destroy a wall with my wrong hole? Will I survive a 20 hour bus ride? What will I see, and how will it affect me? Will I come back a changed person, what if I don't? What if I do? Will the boys be ok without me? Will Mike function as complete head of household in my absence? What more possible questions could I have? Will the crocodiles eat our swamp boat? The list grows....and so does the excitement.
Stay tuned for more as the trip and my faith develops.

Creating Drama

I know this title implies that I will be discussing making drama. On the contrary, I shall dedicate this one to the creation drama that took place here on Sunday morning.
I was privileged to share a small part of this ministry message from Steve Foss. With no words, the creation came alive before our eyes. Reminders of the glory that God has created, from mountains, to streams, to fish to birds. God saw it all and called it good. Then, depending on which verses we read, mankind is either created first or last. I liked how the drama spent such time and detail on the creation of mankind. With one breath, but with many thoughts and intentions we came to be. That is amazing to me.
With one thought, the streams were formed. With careful planning and extreme love, we were formed to care for and love those things God gave us. We were not given dominion over the earth, but a glorious chance to care for it. We have also been given the chance to care for the people and events God places in our lives. We are here for such a short time, I want to give myself the challenge to be part of a positive movement in the lives of others.
I do not know what that totally means, and God will reveal that as time progresses. I simply feel the need that while I am here, it is my job to put something positive back into the world, and hopefully when I am called home, I can face my Maker and know that I did my part to make it a better place than it was before I was there.
I pray with all that I am, that on that glorious day when I see God, I will hear God tell me that He was pleased with what I did for the Kingdom. Not that I was great and successful here, but that I did the work God wanted and in the way God wanted. I pray for the humility to accept that challenge and to lean not on my own understanding or ability.

thank you God...

I had to smile this morning as I was driving into classes and work. Although my oldest son, Xavier no longer rides with me, I remembered a tradition we had as we traveled through Sioux falls to the daycare he attended. We would round the corner off the interstate and he would exclaim that there was the new hotel being built. One day I asked him what he thought a hotel had in it. He said, " chocolate milkshakes." I had to laugh, thinking that quite possibly some of the big hotel restaurants would indeed serve chocolate milkshakes. I told him this and he smiled big and yelled," thank you God, for milkshakes." To which I responded, " Amen." It became a "thing" with us that as we drove on 41st we would see the world taking place around us, that we would shout thank you God, for whatever...signs, school buses, stop lights, mommies, daddies, sons, and daughters, whatever we could think of, we named. At the end of each one we named, the other would shout, " Amen."
I thought of that tradition as I was in the car this morning, with thoughts of impending snow, slow drivers, the early morning commute, a sluggish start to a frenzied day. I thought how much I missed that little 4 year old voice shouting out thanks to God for whatever he sees. I thought about how easy it was for him to thank God, even when I would be frustrated at not having made the green light. I thought, how selfish am I to not give thanks in all that I see, hear, feel, touch, and experience, for in all those moments are opportunities for God to speak and be revealed.
So, thank you God, and for all of them I say, "Amen!"

Thoughts abound

HHMMMM, I recognize that it has been awhile since I have written, and that was a super passive voice sentence. I seriously wonder if anyone reads this, so I will take another shot in dark and see what it brings.
I am busy working full time and taking seminary classes in my "spare" time. I found that the classes I am taking are rigorous on the thinking heart part of me. I can intellectualize most discussions and rationalize quite a bit. When it comes down to real gut level emotion, I tend to shy away from dealing with it at all and turn it into a discussion of intellect.
I recently had someone tell me that the best people in ministry are such because they recognize themselves to be "wounded healers". This implies those in leadership positions within ministry settings do not have it all together as we so often assume. The phrase also implies an action toward an end, or that the process is ongoing. That maybe we are never fully done healing, or that it is a constant dying to self, and sacrificing who we are to realize who God wants us to be. Truth be told, I am a little afraid of that phrase. I am trying to wrack my brain for examples where we see Jesus as the wounded healer. Part of me does not want to think of Jesus in that vein.
So, for now, I will wrestle with what that phrase means to me personally, and what that means in the grand scheme....Till then...