HHMMMM, I recognize that it has been awhile since I have written, and that was a super passive voice sentence. I seriously wonder if anyone reads this, so I will take another shot in dark and see what it brings.
I am busy working full time and taking seminary classes in my "spare" time. I found that the classes I am taking are rigorous on the thinking heart part of me. I can intellectualize most discussions and rationalize quite a bit. When it comes down to real gut level emotion, I tend to shy away from dealing with it at all and turn it into a discussion of intellect.
I recently had someone tell me that the best people in ministry are such because they recognize themselves to be "wounded healers". This implies those in leadership positions within ministry settings do not have it all together as we so often assume. The phrase also implies an action toward an end, or that the process is ongoing. That maybe we are never fully done healing, or that it is a constant dying to self, and sacrificing who we are to realize who God wants us to be. Truth be told, I am a little afraid of that phrase. I am trying to wrack my brain for examples where we see Jesus as the wounded healer. Part of me does not want to think of Jesus in that vein.
So, for now, I will wrestle with what that phrase means to me personally, and what that means in the grand scheme....Till then...
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
lenten message revamped
The Scripture tonight is taken from Romans 5 where Paul encourages the church to remember that Faith and the tests we encounter bring joy. This was a little hard for me to stomach at first. Truth be told, I do not want to think about that; I want to keep God in my nice little box with a pretty ribbon and believe that only good comes through faith. I want to close my eyes and envision a pretty land flowing with only the best and most favorite of all my favorites. I want to snap my fingers and have all my dilemmas solved and receive ultimate blessings with no work. I want, I want, I want.
Many of you know that I am starting a new chapter in my life. I have enrolled and started seminary classes. I have declared my master of divinity, and where that takes me has yet to be seen. All I know is that at this stage in my life, I must do this. I have to take this step of faith and see where it takes me. I want it to be easy and effortless. I do not want to be asked tough questions for that means that I have to answer the tough questions, and that may mean I don’t have all the answers. That may mean that I may be asked by God to go through some troubling times. I don’t want that . I want to believe that because I have dedicated my life to ministry that everything should be easy. I want to believe that as a ministry worker, that my life will be perfect. How wrong am I?
Please do not misunderstand me. I am grateful for the chance to be here at Asbury and working in and with all of you. I am grateful to experience Seminary and class work again. I am even grateful for writing papers, I am one of those who enjoys doing them… I am not grateful right now for the work God is doing in my life because it is excrutiatingly hard.
As I look at the passage from Romans I am reminded of precious metal and it is the mark of faith. It is the belief that even in the midst of what seems to be crumbling in front of our eyes, that Christ is still there and was from the beginning. That is hard for me to hear. I want instant faith, I want my gold polished pure and shiny, but I do not want to feel the process it goes through to be purified. I want faith, but I want it on my own terms. I figure if I have lived a good life this long, at 33 I have had enough character building experiences, I don’t want anymore of them. I want the good life, so to speak.
God has other plans. God wants to teach you and I about endurance. I have heard Jason talk about running the good race and perservering until the end. I like that analogy more and more. God wants to take the comfortable life that you and I are living and expose it for us to see what is really taking place. God wants to show me who my sons are and how I interact with them. God wants to reveal to me that people are not items to deal with, they are the essence of God. God wants me to listen to how I communicate with people who are unlike me, and to listen to what they are saying. God wants me to understand the meaning of love from others and my spouse and to not take any of it for granted. God wants me to honest with myself, others, and in my prayers to God. God wants me to be blunt. God wants to be blunt with me. I will say that again, God wants to be blunt with me. God wants to be blunt with you.
It would be easy for me to walk away from all the is troubling me this semester. I told a colleague today that I am stressed, angry, irritated, frustrated, and confused. I felt bad telling this person because I thought in ministry I had to have it all figured out. I thought I could sugar coat my emotions and my words and skate by on what I think I know. God has other plans. God loves a broken people, because there the real work is done. There God pours out agape love and embraces us with outstretched arms, as on a cross. God tells us that with fire and trouble comes a metal so much stronger and brighter. God tells us that with our turmoil and trouble we will fight the good fight and run the race set out before us. And we will win. We will win.
Many of you know that I am starting a new chapter in my life. I have enrolled and started seminary classes. I have declared my master of divinity, and where that takes me has yet to be seen. All I know is that at this stage in my life, I must do this. I have to take this step of faith and see where it takes me. I want it to be easy and effortless. I do not want to be asked tough questions for that means that I have to answer the tough questions, and that may mean I don’t have all the answers. That may mean that I may be asked by God to go through some troubling times. I don’t want that . I want to believe that because I have dedicated my life to ministry that everything should be easy. I want to believe that as a ministry worker, that my life will be perfect. How wrong am I?
Please do not misunderstand me. I am grateful for the chance to be here at Asbury and working in and with all of you. I am grateful to experience Seminary and class work again. I am even grateful for writing papers, I am one of those who enjoys doing them… I am not grateful right now for the work God is doing in my life because it is excrutiatingly hard.
As I look at the passage from Romans I am reminded of precious metal and it is the mark of faith. It is the belief that even in the midst of what seems to be crumbling in front of our eyes, that Christ is still there and was from the beginning. That is hard for me to hear. I want instant faith, I want my gold polished pure and shiny, but I do not want to feel the process it goes through to be purified. I want faith, but I want it on my own terms. I figure if I have lived a good life this long, at 33 I have had enough character building experiences, I don’t want anymore of them. I want the good life, so to speak.
God has other plans. God wants to teach you and I about endurance. I have heard Jason talk about running the good race and perservering until the end. I like that analogy more and more. God wants to take the comfortable life that you and I are living and expose it for us to see what is really taking place. God wants to show me who my sons are and how I interact with them. God wants to reveal to me that people are not items to deal with, they are the essence of God. God wants me to listen to how I communicate with people who are unlike me, and to listen to what they are saying. God wants me to understand the meaning of love from others and my spouse and to not take any of it for granted. God wants me to honest with myself, others, and in my prayers to God. God wants me to be blunt. God wants to be blunt with me. I will say that again, God wants to be blunt with me. God wants to be blunt with you.
It would be easy for me to walk away from all the is troubling me this semester. I told a colleague today that I am stressed, angry, irritated, frustrated, and confused. I felt bad telling this person because I thought in ministry I had to have it all figured out. I thought I could sugar coat my emotions and my words and skate by on what I think I know. God has other plans. God loves a broken people, because there the real work is done. There God pours out agape love and embraces us with outstretched arms, as on a cross. God tells us that with fire and trouble comes a metal so much stronger and brighter. God tells us that with our turmoil and trouble we will fight the good fight and run the race set out before us. And we will win. We will win.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
So which one am I supposed do first?
Ahhh the list of priorities continues to mount. Mom, wife, ministry worker, disciple, student....the list grows. I am overjoyed to be at this juncture of my life, but let me tell you, this is hard work. Someone told me not so long ago that the stage of pruning and perfecting oneself in the image of God is hard work. How true that is. I feel overwhelmed at some of the prospects out ahead of me, yet oddly energized at the process of it all. I am not sure that i am making a ton of sense, just know that I am in a transitional stage right now, and I hope you'll bear with me on the ride.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
QUACK
Ok, the title for this blog came from an impromtu staff meeting where I asked to change a meeting time for all of us. You cannot imagine the guilt and guts it took for me to ask for the meeting time change. My fellow colleagues laughed a bit and told me that I would have to develop a thicker skin if I was to succeed and stay in ministry. One nice lady ;-) told me to think of it as oil on feathers, comments and issues would slide right off. I giggled, and then as I walked back to my office I realized how true that is. I also realized how much wisdom is entailed in that phrase.
As I think about ministry and loving people as Jesus would, I know in my head that there will be times that I will say and do the unpopular. I will anger people, I already have in my short tenure here. I will receive and grant grace and forgiveness, and that is ok. I have/will learn.
Jesus was not popular. Jesus did not worry about his feelings being hurt, nor did he worry about offending. Because he acted in Love and understood the grace of God, and the people with whom he was working, he could be honest and open.
I am often frustrated with myself for being the emotive indivdual that I am. If someone is hurting, I tend to hurt right along with them. Sometimes this serves me well, other times it can be a hindrance. As I begin this new chapter in seminary life I am awarded the opportunity to assess who I think I am versus who God has created me to be. I look forward with anxious joy to the trip and the final product.
I would covet your prayers as I continue my mission of pruning. ~cal~
As I think about ministry and loving people as Jesus would, I know in my head that there will be times that I will say and do the unpopular. I will anger people, I already have in my short tenure here. I will receive and grant grace and forgiveness, and that is ok. I have/will learn.
Jesus was not popular. Jesus did not worry about his feelings being hurt, nor did he worry about offending. Because he acted in Love and understood the grace of God, and the people with whom he was working, he could be honest and open.
I am often frustrated with myself for being the emotive indivdual that I am. If someone is hurting, I tend to hurt right along with them. Sometimes this serves me well, other times it can be a hindrance. As I begin this new chapter in seminary life I am awarded the opportunity to assess who I think I am versus who God has created me to be. I look forward with anxious joy to the trip and the final product.
I would covet your prayers as I continue my mission of pruning. ~cal~
Monday, January 14, 2008
Scared to death.
Ok, so it has indeed been awhile since I have last blogged. My mind has been full. I start back to school ( Sfalls Seminary) next week, and though the classes seem not to be too bad, I am scared. Can I do this? How will there be enough hours in the day to manage and give to all those that have needs?
I know that I am called to pursue my education at this time, so I am seeking my MDIV with an emphasis in Pastoral Care. Where that takes me, I cannot say, that is only for the Lord to reveal to me.
Some have asked me what I hope to attain, and how I plan to use this degree in the future. The more I think about it, the more the idea of traveling and being with people on their personal journey is a precious gift in which to be a part. I want to walk with people on their path and use the gifts and talents God has given me to love people. I want to show people the love of God, that it is unconditional and available to everyone.
I have had the privilege to see a couple services from up front and what an honor that is. I told a friend today that I found it fun to be up there sharing the prayers and helping to lead the service. I found I enjoyed watching the congregation more and the impact the pastor's words had on them. I could see the understanding come to people. Moreimportantly I could see families, sometimes multiple generations worshipping together. I get it. I want my family with me and I want to share that journey with others.
So, for now, my call is to walk through the door to Sioux Falls Seminary and do as i am told.
I would covet your prayers and encouragement as I enter into this newest phase.
I know that I am called to pursue my education at this time, so I am seeking my MDIV with an emphasis in Pastoral Care. Where that takes me, I cannot say, that is only for the Lord to reveal to me.
Some have asked me what I hope to attain, and how I plan to use this degree in the future. The more I think about it, the more the idea of traveling and being with people on their personal journey is a precious gift in which to be a part. I want to walk with people on their path and use the gifts and talents God has given me to love people. I want to show people the love of God, that it is unconditional and available to everyone.
I have had the privilege to see a couple services from up front and what an honor that is. I told a friend today that I found it fun to be up there sharing the prayers and helping to lead the service. I found I enjoyed watching the congregation more and the impact the pastor's words had on them. I could see the understanding come to people. Moreimportantly I could see families, sometimes multiple generations worshipping together. I get it. I want my family with me and I want to share that journey with others.
So, for now, my call is to walk through the door to Sioux Falls Seminary and do as i am told.
I would covet your prayers and encouragement as I enter into this newest phase.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Servanthood
Ephesians 3:1-12
“I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God’s grace given me through the working of God’s power, Although I am less than the least of God’s people, this grace was given to me.” Vs 7-8a
I waited intentionally before I wrote this devotional at the probable frustration of our fearless leader, Michelle. It was originally intended for the Advent Devotional used for Worship and Contemplation during the Advent season, however I feel compelled to share it here as there is much in my head as of late. Let's see if anyone reads this blog.
I came upon a situation in late October that has reshaped my vision of leadership and servant-hood for the Gospel.
I thought previously, that being a leader and being a disciple for Christ meant that I had to engage and even turn up my already energetic personality. I was so wrong.
I had the privilege not so long ago to sit with a person in the most bottom depths of despair and confusion. For most of the day, I did not reveal to this person that I worked full time in ministry; I felt simply called to come alongside this person and be the light of Christ. It was not easy. I was ushered into a portion of this person’s life that few ever see. I stared face-to-face with life and death, despair and sorrow. When my natural instinct would be to talk endlessly and offer a million solutions, I could only sit in silence, listen, and pray. I could not change the circumstances and I could not control another’s actions or responses. I had to let the Holy Spirit guide my words and footsteps and trust. I had to be a servant of the Gospel in the most quiet and unassuming method possible.
This called me out of my comfort zone. Those that know me understand me to be an energetic and creative young woman. I am. What I am also called to be is a servant and a servant understands that there are times to speak and times to listen. A servant understands that they may help in a situation, but the Master makes the ultimate decision. A servant understands that quiet diligence is much more powerful than all the flowery speeches and creative ideas combined.
After that time spent on a gorgeous Monday, I understood clearly the mission of Jesus to preach and teach to those in the lowest pits. I understand that while I may have gifts and talents, my greatest gift is to listen to that still, small voice telling me that even I, little Cindy, have the honor to be a servant of Christ.
“I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God’s grace given me through the working of God’s power, Although I am less than the least of God’s people, this grace was given to me.” Vs 7-8a
I waited intentionally before I wrote this devotional at the probable frustration of our fearless leader, Michelle. It was originally intended for the Advent Devotional used for Worship and Contemplation during the Advent season, however I feel compelled to share it here as there is much in my head as of late. Let's see if anyone reads this blog.
I came upon a situation in late October that has reshaped my vision of leadership and servant-hood for the Gospel.
I thought previously, that being a leader and being a disciple for Christ meant that I had to engage and even turn up my already energetic personality. I was so wrong.
I had the privilege not so long ago to sit with a person in the most bottom depths of despair and confusion. For most of the day, I did not reveal to this person that I worked full time in ministry; I felt simply called to come alongside this person and be the light of Christ. It was not easy. I was ushered into a portion of this person’s life that few ever see. I stared face-to-face with life and death, despair and sorrow. When my natural instinct would be to talk endlessly and offer a million solutions, I could only sit in silence, listen, and pray. I could not change the circumstances and I could not control another’s actions or responses. I had to let the Holy Spirit guide my words and footsteps and trust. I had to be a servant of the Gospel in the most quiet and unassuming method possible.
This called me out of my comfort zone. Those that know me understand me to be an energetic and creative young woman. I am. What I am also called to be is a servant and a servant understands that there are times to speak and times to listen. A servant understands that they may help in a situation, but the Master makes the ultimate decision. A servant understands that quiet diligence is much more powerful than all the flowery speeches and creative ideas combined.
After that time spent on a gorgeous Monday, I understood clearly the mission of Jesus to preach and teach to those in the lowest pits. I understand that while I may have gifts and talents, my greatest gift is to listen to that still, small voice telling me that even I, little Cindy, have the honor to be a servant of Christ.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Senseless and Sad
I came back from a weekend away in the beautiul Black Hills of South Dakota wherein I dropped off my travel companion. Upon arriving on Sycamore she and I were puzzled to find bears and flowers, a memorial by the side of the road. She commented that it must be for a kid who had passed away. Unaware of any such tragedy I endeavored to travel home, as I drove past the McDonald's on 26th right before the 229 turnoff I saw the billboard commemorating Ashleigh. Still puzzled I grabbed my cell phone and placed a call to my mother who told me of the accident this past weekend. My heart sank.
I was a teacher, and hold dear the connections with kids whom I was able to relate. I wish in many of these type of circumstances I could take kids by the shoulders and shake them a bit. I have been to too many funerals where young people are involved in, or are the victim of senseless accidents. A fellow blogger I know, talked this weekend about lives being too precious to waste trying for the next biggest "high". I would have to agree wholeheartedly. The more I continue to age, and the more I see my sons grow I understand the precious gift that we have been awarded. It is just that, a gift. It is not to be taken for granted or abused or thrown away. God talks in the Old Testament of our lives being a breath, or a puff of air. One breath, that is all it takes my friends.
What am I saying? I am bothered today. I do not know Ashleigh, nor do I know the other individuals involved in this weekend's accident. I do know that a high school will be in turmoil and a good many people's lives will be irreversibly affected. Take a moment today, breathe in the beautiful fall air, feel it fill your lungs and travel the length your body and be THANKFUL that today, at this moment, it is yours. Today is yours to make a difference and make an impact, and please, be so very careful out there.
I was a teacher, and hold dear the connections with kids whom I was able to relate. I wish in many of these type of circumstances I could take kids by the shoulders and shake them a bit. I have been to too many funerals where young people are involved in, or are the victim of senseless accidents. A fellow blogger I know, talked this weekend about lives being too precious to waste trying for the next biggest "high". I would have to agree wholeheartedly. The more I continue to age, and the more I see my sons grow I understand the precious gift that we have been awarded. It is just that, a gift. It is not to be taken for granted or abused or thrown away. God talks in the Old Testament of our lives being a breath, or a puff of air. One breath, that is all it takes my friends.
What am I saying? I am bothered today. I do not know Ashleigh, nor do I know the other individuals involved in this weekend's accident. I do know that a high school will be in turmoil and a good many people's lives will be irreversibly affected. Take a moment today, breathe in the beautiful fall air, feel it fill your lungs and travel the length your body and be THANKFUL that today, at this moment, it is yours. Today is yours to make a difference and make an impact, and please, be so very careful out there.
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