A Fond Farewell

This is the last article I wrote for the Circuit Rider at Asbury.
I was adapting my Face book page the other night. Face book, for those less computer savvy, is a networking tool over the internet where you can include information about yourself and track friends. It is highly addictive. There is a section that asks my religious view; I used to have United Methodist. I have changed that section to read, Love covers a multitude.

As I step down in leadership from Asbury, I believe that is the lesson and example from you, the congregation, which I will hold closest to me. In all that we have lived through in the last years, I believe Asbury loves and loves well. Asbury has loved me from day one.

I have fond memories of laughter and nights on the fellowship hall floor with children gathered all around me. I spent my first summer at camps with a trio of young ladies who took more stuffed animals with them than Toys R Us owns. I have learned the fine art of leading a donkey through a parade, getting said donkey to cooperate is a different matter all together. I have held newborn babies, helped name them, and been present when they are baptized, and cried with others when the outcome was not as we hoped. I have held hands in prayer of thanksgiving, praise, consolation, desperation, and joy. I have seen love demonstrated in so many instances it is hard to name them all.

Personally, you have seen my oldest grow before your eyes and you have taken him in and adopted him as one of your own. You watched as I grew with Atticus and took care of me when the road became tough. You have upheld my family in prayer and encouraging support, you have shown us love. You have welcomed Mike to another way of thinking and learning about Christ. To think, we were both Lutheran before all this started.

I have to pause for a minute as I sniffle through this last part. My decision to release my leadership position here did not come without much thought and prayer. My Walk to Emmaus this past spring solidified the definition of love and grace for me in a way that I cannot describe. As I think about the phrase Love covers a multitude, I know that it applies to me as well. I came here not trained in ministry and found a community willing to embrace me. Through some of my own blunders, this same community buoyed me up and taught me some valuable lessons. I received forgiveness. This community knew I did not come from a typical background. I received grace. I learned from staff that taught me everything from boundaries, to trust and laughter, and unconditional love. I have laughed with these staff members, cried and hurt with them, and rejoiced in the work Christ has done in their lives. I am a better person for having worked with them. I am a better person for having served you, the Asbury community.

If I could leave one bit of advice it would be this: Love one another, please. People are coming through the doors with all sorts of woundedness. We are all wounded on some level. Love makes all the difference. It really does. What years of old tapes running through our heads can make us believe, love can erase. What years of memories can shape our vision, love can refine. Andrew Lloyd Weber said it quite well, “Love changes everything, how you live and how you die. Love will never, never let you be the same.”

I know that I will never be the same person I was walking through the doors 3 ½ years ago. I am indelibly changed. Love changed everything for me. Thank you Asbury, may love change you too. ~cal~

What Time is it?

In Ecclesiastes there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven. Ok, this is also an old 70's song, but I am thinking more of the Scripture that calls us into the different seasons of our lives. I am trying to discern what season I am called into now.
I have made the decision to leave my leadership in the church, to continue my education at the Seminary full time, and to spend time with family. The continued weight remains as to how to finance this. How do we provide for the family without running ourselves into massive debt? Is there a part time gig that I can do for the year that will provide financially, but also provide a sense of accomplishment and worth?
Do I need a sense of worth from a job? I have not taken one in recent years that requires me to simply be there. Recent doors that appeared open in the job sense have closed, that hurts. It is frustrating to not know how to help, but to walk forward in hopes that something will materialize. Maybe this is my time for faith.
I know every life has its seasons to withstand, I pray as I wrap up my summer here at Asbury, it can be a harvest and a preparation for the season to come. Please continue to pray for me as I discern the will and the path.

Commomplaces

I tell my sons every night before they go to bed that I love them and God wonderfully creates them. To my oldest son, Xavier, we talk often of the loving care that Jesus provides and the comfort that is in knowing God. We also talk of carrying Jesus with us wherever we go, so others can see that love in us. This happens almost every night as my young son, with big brown eyes, lies down on his bed and recaps the day. I admit there are moments when I wish our “talk time” would last a shorter amount of time. Thoughts of my own bed and relaxing take precedence as I try to focus on the needs of Xavier. This love lesson came back to me not so long ago.
I recently spent most of a week on the pediatric floor at Sanford hospital. Atticus, my 1-year-old son, was sick with Rotavirus and needed monitoring. There I was with a terrified baby, a sick one at that. My family was home, busy with other projects and jobs, and I was left there to care for my son, not worry, and to hold his arm as they inserted an IV. I was not feeling the love.
The first night in the hospital was rough as I had no place to sleep and Atticus tossed and turned continuously and ran a fever the whole time. With thoughts of our release time in my head, I realized we would not see a discharge from the hospital the next day, and I settled in for more waiting. In the early evening hours, my son, Xavier, burst into our room, smelling of sunshine and spring, smiling from ear-to-ear. I put on a brave smile and gave him a huge hug.
I ensured that both boys had adequate alone time with their parents. Mike had Atticus, and I sat with Xavier. With him on my lap, my ice cream Sunday in his hand, I looked again into those eyes so like my own, and told him I had missed him and I had thought of him all day. When I asked if he missed me, he gave me a chocolate syrup grin and shook his head no. Somewhat dismayed, I asked why he had not missed me. He cocked his tousled head and replied, “I carry you in my heart.” Astounded I asked what he meant, to which he replied that he never misses me because we are never apart. “I carry you in my heart just like Jesus, so I don’t ever miss you.”
Jesus is in the commonplaces.

With trepidation

Wow, it is only days from now that I will embark with 30 other people to serve the hurricane ravaged city of New Orleans. I will leave on Sat May 31 and will not return till weeee late on Sun. June 8. I know most of the people traveling, yet this is my first time traveling with a mission team, it is my first mission experience. I am scared.
I am not a traveled individual, I love culture and theatre, but have had no opportunity to span the globe in search of adventure. Too many reasons I rationalize have kept me from embracing those moments. After some waffling this spring, I decided that God was right about my venturing out of my comfort zones, God wants me to serve. So, serve I shall.
I am scared though. I do not usually step up to do things which I feel I may not do well. Sure, I can hammer, but well? That is another matter altogether. This calls me to leave behind my family (2 boys ages 1 and 4) a husband I have never not traveled with, and the comfort of my life as I know it. I don't like heat, I don't know how to travel, I have not partaken of ethnic food, I am not a seasoned traveler. I do not look forward to over 20 hours in a bus.
I do look forward to seeing a part of the United States I have never seen, I am excited about serving with people I truly appreciate for a cause that makes an impact. I look forward to learning about myself and others as we endeavor to build community and homes all at the same time.
It is humbling for me to admit that I am scared, I view myself as a pretty capable woman, and here I am venturing into foreign territory. Many questions swirl in my head....Will I be able to do the work? Will my teammates make fun of me if I drill a wrong hole? Will I destroy a wall with my wrong hole? Will I survive a 20 hour bus ride? What will I see, and how will it affect me? Will I come back a changed person, what if I don't? What if I do? Will the boys be ok without me? Will Mike function as complete head of household in my absence? What more possible questions could I have? Will the crocodiles eat our swamp boat? The list grows....and so does the excitement.
Stay tuned for more as the trip and my faith develops.

Creating Drama

I know this title implies that I will be discussing making drama. On the contrary, I shall dedicate this one to the creation drama that took place here on Sunday morning.
I was privileged to share a small part of this ministry message from Steve Foss. With no words, the creation came alive before our eyes. Reminders of the glory that God has created, from mountains, to streams, to fish to birds. God saw it all and called it good. Then, depending on which verses we read, mankind is either created first or last. I liked how the drama spent such time and detail on the creation of mankind. With one breath, but with many thoughts and intentions we came to be. That is amazing to me.
With one thought, the streams were formed. With careful planning and extreme love, we were formed to care for and love those things God gave us. We were not given dominion over the earth, but a glorious chance to care for it. We have also been given the chance to care for the people and events God places in our lives. We are here for such a short time, I want to give myself the challenge to be part of a positive movement in the lives of others.
I do not know what that totally means, and God will reveal that as time progresses. I simply feel the need that while I am here, it is my job to put something positive back into the world, and hopefully when I am called home, I can face my Maker and know that I did my part to make it a better place than it was before I was there.
I pray with all that I am, that on that glorious day when I see God, I will hear God tell me that He was pleased with what I did for the Kingdom. Not that I was great and successful here, but that I did the work God wanted and in the way God wanted. I pray for the humility to accept that challenge and to lean not on my own understanding or ability.

thank you God...

I had to smile this morning as I was driving into classes and work. Although my oldest son, Xavier no longer rides with me, I remembered a tradition we had as we traveled through Sioux falls to the daycare he attended. We would round the corner off the interstate and he would exclaim that there was the new hotel being built. One day I asked him what he thought a hotel had in it. He said, " chocolate milkshakes." I had to laugh, thinking that quite possibly some of the big hotel restaurants would indeed serve chocolate milkshakes. I told him this and he smiled big and yelled," thank you God, for milkshakes." To which I responded, " Amen." It became a "thing" with us that as we drove on 41st we would see the world taking place around us, that we would shout thank you God, for whatever...signs, school buses, stop lights, mommies, daddies, sons, and daughters, whatever we could think of, we named. At the end of each one we named, the other would shout, " Amen."
I thought of that tradition as I was in the car this morning, with thoughts of impending snow, slow drivers, the early morning commute, a sluggish start to a frenzied day. I thought how much I missed that little 4 year old voice shouting out thanks to God for whatever he sees. I thought about how easy it was for him to thank God, even when I would be frustrated at not having made the green light. I thought, how selfish am I to not give thanks in all that I see, hear, feel, touch, and experience, for in all those moments are opportunities for God to speak and be revealed.
So, thank you God, and for all of them I say, "Amen!"

Thoughts abound

HHMMMM, I recognize that it has been awhile since I have written, and that was a super passive voice sentence. I seriously wonder if anyone reads this, so I will take another shot in dark and see what it brings.
I am busy working full time and taking seminary classes in my "spare" time. I found that the classes I am taking are rigorous on the thinking heart part of me. I can intellectualize most discussions and rationalize quite a bit. When it comes down to real gut level emotion, I tend to shy away from dealing with it at all and turn it into a discussion of intellect.
I recently had someone tell me that the best people in ministry are such because they recognize themselves to be "wounded healers". This implies those in leadership positions within ministry settings do not have it all together as we so often assume. The phrase also implies an action toward an end, or that the process is ongoing. That maybe we are never fully done healing, or that it is a constant dying to self, and sacrificing who we are to realize who God wants us to be. Truth be told, I am a little afraid of that phrase. I am trying to wrack my brain for examples where we see Jesus as the wounded healer. Part of me does not want to think of Jesus in that vein.
So, for now, I will wrestle with what that phrase means to me personally, and what that means in the grand scheme....Till then...

lenten message revamped

The Scripture tonight is taken from Romans 5 where Paul encourages the church to remember that Faith and the tests we encounter bring joy. This was a little hard for me to stomach at first. Truth be told, I do not want to think about that; I want to keep God in my nice little box with a pretty ribbon and believe that only good comes through faith. I want to close my eyes and envision a pretty land flowing with only the best and most favorite of all my favorites. I want to snap my fingers and have all my dilemmas solved and receive ultimate blessings with no work. I want, I want, I want.
Many of you know that I am starting a new chapter in my life. I have enrolled and started seminary classes. I have declared my master of divinity, and where that takes me has yet to be seen. All I know is that at this stage in my life, I must do this. I have to take this step of faith and see where it takes me. I want it to be easy and effortless. I do not want to be asked tough questions for that means that I have to answer the tough questions, and that may mean I don’t have all the answers. That may mean that I may be asked by God to go through some troubling times. I don’t want that . I want to believe that because I have dedicated my life to ministry that everything should be easy. I want to believe that as a ministry worker, that my life will be perfect. How wrong am I?
Please do not misunderstand me. I am grateful for the chance to be here at Asbury and working in and with all of you. I am grateful to experience Seminary and class work again. I am even grateful for writing papers, I am one of those who enjoys doing them… I am not grateful right now for the work God is doing in my life because it is excrutiatingly hard.
As I look at the passage from Romans I am reminded of precious metal and it is the mark of faith. It is the belief that even in the midst of what seems to be crumbling in front of our eyes, that Christ is still there and was from the beginning. That is hard for me to hear. I want instant faith, I want my gold polished pure and shiny, but I do not want to feel the process it goes through to be purified. I want faith, but I want it on my own terms. I figure if I have lived a good life this long, at 33 I have had enough character building experiences, I don’t want anymore of them. I want the good life, so to speak.
God has other plans. God wants to teach you and I about endurance. I have heard Jason talk about running the good race and perservering until the end. I like that analogy more and more. God wants to take the comfortable life that you and I are living and expose it for us to see what is really taking place. God wants to show me who my sons are and how I interact with them. God wants to reveal to me that people are not items to deal with, they are the essence of God. God wants me to listen to how I communicate with people who are unlike me, and to listen to what they are saying. God wants me to understand the meaning of love from others and my spouse and to not take any of it for granted. God wants me to honest with myself, others, and in my prayers to God. God wants me to be blunt. God wants to be blunt with me. I will say that again, God wants to be blunt with me. God wants to be blunt with you.
It would be easy for me to walk away from all the is troubling me this semester. I told a colleague today that I am stressed, angry, irritated, frustrated, and confused. I felt bad telling this person because I thought in ministry I had to have it all figured out. I thought I could sugar coat my emotions and my words and skate by on what I think I know. God has other plans. God loves a broken people, because there the real work is done. There God pours out agape love and embraces us with outstretched arms, as on a cross. God tells us that with fire and trouble comes a metal so much stronger and brighter. God tells us that with our turmoil and trouble we will fight the good fight and run the race set out before us. And we will win. We will win.

So which one am I supposed do first?

Ahhh the list of priorities continues to mount. Mom, wife, ministry worker, disciple, student....the list grows. I am overjoyed to be at this juncture of my life, but let me tell you, this is hard work. Someone told me not so long ago that the stage of pruning and perfecting oneself in the image of God is hard work. How true that is. I feel overwhelmed at some of the prospects out ahead of me, yet oddly energized at the process of it all. I am not sure that i am making a ton of sense, just know that I am in a transitional stage right now, and I hope you'll bear with me on the ride.

QUACK

Ok, the title for this blog came from an impromtu staff meeting where I asked to change a meeting time for all of us. You cannot imagine the guilt and guts it took for me to ask for the meeting time change. My fellow colleagues laughed a bit and told me that I would have to develop a thicker skin if I was to succeed and stay in ministry. One nice lady ;-) told me to think of it as oil on feathers, comments and issues would slide right off. I giggled, and then as I walked back to my office I realized how true that is. I also realized how much wisdom is entailed in that phrase.
As I think about ministry and loving people as Jesus would, I know in my head that there will be times that I will say and do the unpopular. I will anger people, I already have in my short tenure here. I will receive and grant grace and forgiveness, and that is ok. I have/will learn.
Jesus was not popular. Jesus did not worry about his feelings being hurt, nor did he worry about offending. Because he acted in Love and understood the grace of God, and the people with whom he was working, he could be honest and open.
I am often frustrated with myself for being the emotive indivdual that I am. If someone is hurting, I tend to hurt right along with them. Sometimes this serves me well, other times it can be a hindrance. As I begin this new chapter in seminary life I am awarded the opportunity to assess who I think I am versus who God has created me to be. I look forward with anxious joy to the trip and the final product.
I would covet your prayers as I continue my mission of pruning. ~cal~

Scared to death.

Ok, so it has indeed been awhile since I have last blogged. My mind has been full. I start back to school ( Sfalls Seminary) next week, and though the classes seem not to be too bad, I am scared. Can I do this? How will there be enough hours in the day to manage and give to all those that have needs?
I know that I am called to pursue my education at this time, so I am seeking my MDIV with an emphasis in Pastoral Care. Where that takes me, I cannot say, that is only for the Lord to reveal to me.
Some have asked me what I hope to attain, and how I plan to use this degree in the future. The more I think about it, the more the idea of traveling and being with people on their personal journey is a precious gift in which to be a part. I want to walk with people on their path and use the gifts and talents God has given me to love people. I want to show people the love of God, that it is unconditional and available to everyone.
I have had the privilege to see a couple services from up front and what an honor that is. I told a friend today that I found it fun to be up there sharing the prayers and helping to lead the service. I found I enjoyed watching the congregation more and the impact the pastor's words had on them. I could see the understanding come to people. Moreimportantly I could see families, sometimes multiple generations worshipping together. I get it. I want my family with me and I want to share that journey with others.
So, for now, my call is to walk through the door to Sioux Falls Seminary and do as i am told.
I would covet your prayers and encouragement as I enter into this newest phase.